[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
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them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both