Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.