there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
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Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Pretty much. 🤣
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”