Anime is real
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I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Rich people don’t understand cereal
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.