I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
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Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
bought wrong eggs
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Omg 🤣
I enjoy a good short stor
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?