A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
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I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.