I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
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Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
True
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”