Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
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I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.