If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
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If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
The hardest thing Vision has to do
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?