I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
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Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
we’re gonna need another temp
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
LOL
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]