What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
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[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
“How’s your day going?”
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches