my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My plans: 2020:
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.