“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
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Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT