*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
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evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
You sure about that?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster