I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
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I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.