My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
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for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn