Me redecorating every room in my mind
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They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
A short story about romance.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic