How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
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Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.