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Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.