“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
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Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
mmm onion ringos