my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
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Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars