This came to me in a dream.
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Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Always 🥴
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.