How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
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Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.