Aladdin: 馃幎I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
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I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
DOCTOR: congratulations it鈥檚 a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It鈥檚 a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You鈥檙e welcome.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don鈥檛 do that here
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they鈥檙e softer
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn鈥檛 realize how much rhymed with jorts
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Me: I鈥檓 not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.