I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
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Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
courtroom exchange of the day