She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
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I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
One of the best
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Not all heroes wear capes….
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade