*limbos away from your hug*
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I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”