*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
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I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
thank god the sign was there
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED