hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
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NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.