poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
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4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I think my mom just blocked me
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.