my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
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[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My dad.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.