me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
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(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.