chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
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Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down