make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
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Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Love is always patient and kind.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.