I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
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Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?