Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
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Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit