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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…