Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
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He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea