Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
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The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.