My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
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me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.