‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
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Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
seems fine
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?