Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
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The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?