[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
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Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Why am I like this?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra