Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
😅🤣😂
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.