It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
You Might Also Like
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No