Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
my one true gender
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”