Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
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*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast