me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
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Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”