[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
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I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*