HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
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*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
*mops up wine with cat*
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy